Not Normative

I've always lived in a funny place socially.

I think everyone has multiple personae, but mine are ripe with disparity. 

But, what has always been, and continues to be the most pervasive and insinuating is just this;

I'm not normative.

I also don't feel queer enough, or straight enough. I don't feel like a bachelor and I don't feel like fine, American Wife Material. I don't feel discordant enough, I don't feel distant enough. Nor am I on your wavelength, smiling, holding your hand. I can't whisper "I know", but I will sit across the room from you and nod. I'm always on the goddamn fence. 

Sometimes I feel like my heart is too wild and it will get the better of me. One day I'll disappear into one of it's whims. Sometimes I'm so filled to the brim with something, some fixation, a thought I feel like I'll burst with it. I give in so the pounding stops.

Lately all I have been able to do during the week is drag myself home after work and hide in my bedroom, I've been so exhausted. I'm doing the bare minimum, really. There are days I do fine, and there are other days where I have to put all my energy into the show.

I suppose we all feel that way though.