Loving Mistakes

I worded this purposefully; "Loving Mistakes".

Because in the joyful eccentricity of our shared language, dear reader, this could mean many things. It could (possibly) mean:

1. The mistakes are lovingly made.
2. Someone is loving their mistakes.
3. The mistakes are, in fact, loving.

I'm sure there's more than that, if you think about it. Maybe squint your eyes a little.
Polyamory is like that.

It can mean many things. 

My forays into the wild world of non-traditional relationships have been a multitude of things.
I'd like to share with you my Loving Mistakes.

I'm going to let you interpret that phrase how you will. I will suggest you read this first, before you make your choice.

In the past year, I have learned:

Sometimes people will falsify friendship with you in order to get closer to your partner. This doesn't make them a bad person. How they handle misconstrued love, however, might cause backlash.

Polyamorous is not synonymous with "easy lay", but it is shocking how often it is understood as a legitimate method by which to cheat.

Compersion and jealousy can co-exist. This only makes you human.

How deeply I am able to love has been defined by non monogamy. I love more now, I love deeper now, I am less afraid of the crowd. 

I learned to trust. I am still learning.

I made the biggest commitment of my life in the form of a Domestic Partnership on the 8th anniversary of my mother's death (March 15th, 2016). This was made possible by my prior point on deep love.

Sometimes another partner will want to be the primary. They will want to be "on parr". If they demand this, they do not understand Equity vs. Equality in relationships.

What is Equitable is not always Equal.

Sometimes, even if a partner intellectually understands a non mongamous relationship structure, they will not be able to reconcile what that means emotionally.

This does not make them a bad person.

I have less sympathy, but more empathy. I think empathy is more important. I am still more sympathetic than I have been.

I have to trust in my belief. I have to be honest. I have to uphold the standards I claim, and practice what I preach.

Kink is not shameful. Kink is not shameful. I will not be shamed. I need to be honest.

I have friends that really, really love me.

Sergio really, really loves me. Me. My soul. And I, his. I am beautiful for the first time, because of him.

Goodnight and good luck with your own Loving Mistakes.

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For mom when I'm on the borderline

Dear Mom,

I'm still mad you died. I miss you always, but I'm not going to lie when I say that there is a frightened  10 year old inside of me asking "Mommy are you going to die today?". At the time you said "No, Catherine. I'm not going to die today". I don't remember those mornings but you insisted at Macy's 10 years later that I did. I'm mad, but you know that was the only emotion that seemed to register. I was always such a sensitive kid.

Things are pretty difficult right now, I go to therapy (I can kind of afford it). I remember you saying "Everyone  should have a therapist, it's great to have someone to bitch at", and it was funny at the time, it still is or it would be if I didn't need it so badly. I got myself a self help book the other day, it made me think of the one you got me in high school when I was sad. They've got names for me now, and I'm sick, and it's frustrating. I'd like to blame you. I love you. You left me. I know it wasn't your fault. I wish you'd hung on a little longer so I could really say goodbye.

I'm going to get better, because I want to. I want my life, the one you gave me. Even when the waves of my emotions knock me down, I remember the beauty inherent in the world. I've found true beauty, and I think I'm worthy of it, for once. I've learned to no longer be afraid of the word, because it doesn't mean what I was worried of. I want to stop worrying.

 I know I am loved. I may not always believe it, but I know it's there. And in the darkness I definitely see the little lighthouses, the people who guide me back to shore when I've wound myself up in the sea inside myself.

I love you, mom.

Always,

Cat

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